While pondering what to make for dinner last evening, it occurred to me that we, all 5 of us, would actually be at home together (gasp) which has been an anomaly lately. We have always enjoyed eating together, - who am I kidding, we've always enjoyed eating - it's a major event in our home! I was thrilled at the prospect of all 5 of us around the dining room table. Actually the kitchen table - we don't have a dining room - just keeping it real.
I would go all out and plan one of my knock your socks off kind of specials, an eclectic mix of whatever was left over - commonly referred to as the: Let's clean out the fridge meal. This was decided,after making my eldest feel somewhat guilty that she was going to jet off again after stopping on her way from work briefly, only to change her attire.
"Ok, I understand (not really) if you have to leave but we haven't had a meal together in so long." (insert whiny mom voice).
Having slaved over aforementioned designer meal (its hard work opening and closing the fridge) we commenced with the meal.
After praying, the conversation quickly degenerated to include such topics as:
Neck Beard
I must admit, this was a new one on me. Quite descriptive actually and it made for a perfect visual of the fact the Remick has been observing "No Shave November."
"Why are you observing "No Shave November" when you can't even grow facial hair? You can't grow a full beard. At least dad has whiskers. Mom, have you felt Remick's facial hair - it's like goose down feathers."
(Point of fact.... Asian men don't grow facial hair like normal males - it grows in patches)
"What are you talking about - I even have gray ones!"
Keith responds "He has the Kawawaki curse - premature graying."
Hairballs - the giant ones that have threatened and actual succeeded, in taking over the bathroom and scaring the bejeebies out of manly man son. This consumed at least 15 minutes of ranting from oh so perfect boy. He thinks only his sisters shed.
"At least I now make sure that my contact lense wrapper makes it into the trash can! The one thing, that I have been asked to do, and I do it!(I know, shocking that he would achieve such a level of perfection). "I have asked you two, repeatedly, to clean your hairballs out of the shower - WHICH YOU NEVER DO!"
I was suprisingly unfazed by all of this, well that is until manly man son announced that even his best friend Kenton was disgusted by the condition of the bathroom and the hairballs scared him too!
In her most sanctimonious voice, Jordan shot back:
"If it bothers you that much, why don't YOU do something about the condition of the bathroom! i.e take a turn cleaning it once in a while!"
(because she cleans it ALL the time...mmmm hmmm)
Not wasting a nano second, Remick fired back,
"Since when did I care about Kenton's feelings."
(now we are really getting to the depth of Remick's character)
Did I mention, that while all of this was errupting, my friend Julie attempted to call. Sorry Julie for ignoring you but this was just too good.
Jordan retaliated with the really big guns:
Body Odor
"Why in the world does your towel reek to the heavens when you dry off AFTER you take a shower?"
"Hey, where is my blue towel anyway?"
"Mom threw it away cuz she couldn't get rid of the smell."
"Mom, (voice cracking) why would you DO that?! Oh well, I've just been using the girls towels."
"EWWWWWW gross ...... THAT IS SO SICK AND JUST PLAIN WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS...mommmmmmmm!" (copious screeching and horrified looks from girls)
"Which one?!"
"I rotate - whichever one is drier." (more screeching, nails on the chalkboard kind) "Cuz I hate drying off with a cold, wet towel."
(interesting in that he NEVER, hangs up a towel so that it will dry!)
Bowel Movements
Jordan decided to pull out the Uzi - the oddities of male bowel movements. So you can only imagine what form of potty talk ensued. After all, men are the original neanderthals in the bathroom.
"Remick, do you still strip nakee when you go #2 like you did when you were little? I'm sure you do because you would rather hold it in and suffer a ruptured bowel than use a public bathroom. I mean who in their right mind holds in in all day?!"
"Its embarrassing to be making all of those noises in a public place." (strange and horrified facial expressions from girls)
Bodily Fluids
At this point in the discussion...uh argument, Remick suddenly realizes that Easton is strangely quiet, and with his most calculated attack, whips his head around and unleases an air raid (hot air that is) on his younger sister:
"It doesn't surprise me that you won't clean up your hairballs! This from a girl who never throws away her own tissues because she doesn't want to touch her own bodily fluids!"
Easton, realizing she was not only outgunned, she was highly culpable on all counts and didn't have enough time in the day to prepare an adequate defense, continued to plead the 5th.
Normally, my husband and I would have put an end to the tirade, but I have to admit it was mildly amusing considering that as each of them attempted to prove their superiority in the areas of personal hygiene and overall cleanliness, we both looked at each other and realized that neither of them had a leak proof defense - THEY ARE ALL SLOBS! Hence the rule imposed long ago that none of them were allowed to use our bathroom. Since instituting this rule, I have continued to have a spa like, tranquil lavatory experience even if World War 3 is raging elsewhere in the home.
As my oldest daughter raced out the door I remarked, "Bet you're glad you decided to come home for family dinner."
"Mom, are you being sarcastic?"
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 2012
Twitter,Twits, Tweets and Twaddle
Last night was yet another unusual/odd/indescribable, family moment. As I was preparing dinner, I kept wondering what in the world was annoying me to the point of turning me into Cranky Mom. That is until Remick let loose with one of his infamous out of body noises that would wake the dead. I have no idea why he does this - he claims it is ADD - I just think he is a freak at times and has an uncontrollable need to ensure the rest of the world is aware of it!
Me to husband, "Would you please tell YOUR son to control his urges"
"Rem, knock it off" ( If I had wanted to make sure not to wake a sleeping baby, I would have said this myself)
Remick to no one in particular: "Not sure how I am going to sit in a 2 hour class tonight."
Really? I wouldn't have guessed.
Dinner commences amid a series of indescribable antics, and just plain certifiable behavior. The girls are in hysterics, I am annoyed, and Keith, well he's just oblivious. Seems he has a higher tolerance for lunacy, and the ability to block out insanely annoying auditory intrusions. Must be his age, years of working on the railroad with all manner of idiocy, his eardrums are completely shot, or all of the above!
At some point, the conversations switches to "Twitter"
Jordan: "Rem, you need to get a Twitter account"
Rem: "Already done!" (Insert weird noise, accompanied with equally weird gestures which no one can interpret)
Easton: "When"
Rem: "A while ago" (It was in fact, just last night)
Jordan: "What's your tag"
Rem: "REMK47"
The girls combust into uncontrollable laughter, I look at Keith only to realize he has an equally perplexed look on his face, and we realize that this is probably way beyond our ability as rational adults to figure out. I should have at this point, backed away, far away, from the entire situation, but no, inquiring minds have a self deprecating need to press on...
"Rem, what does REMK47 mean?"
(more hilarity, eye rolling, and condescension from the girls)
"Mom, if I have to translate it's not funny anymore."
(more laughter from the Sisters of Remick fan club)
"Mom, just think about it."
" I don't want to think about it, I want you to tell me!"
"Nope, it will ruin the pure genius of it."
"Pure genius? I have another word for it."
While this little side convo is going on... complete puzzlement from Keith, hysterics from the girls, and me, well, I'm just more annoyed!
Jordan pipes up: "Why aren't you following me?"
"Oh, I'm following you"
Mom: "Are you following me?"
"Nope" (Said with just a tad too much conviction, and yet another original facial expression accompanied with a unique gesture) I think we all know what that means - he doesn't consider me interesting.
Jordan: "You should follow mom, then you can get her "twits" Said with a touch of sarcasm because "twits" is what I, in my Twitter ignorance, called "tweets", the other night.
Have I lost any of you yet?
Is there a point to all of this?
Can this all be considered useless twaddle?
Why is it called a "Smart Phone"? Is it because:
- The phone is smarter than me.
- I am smart because I own one
- The genius who invented it is smarter than all of us, and smart phone technology is just a huge practical joke on society! I'm going with the latter.
Keith's final comment: " I'm just happy when I can figure out how to answer my phone."
I never did ask Rem how his 2 hour class was last night, but am expecting a call from his professor at anytime now. :)
BTW, I did in fact figure out what REMK47 meant, but had to explain it to Keith :)
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2011
Auditory learner
My son is very auditory. Not only does he love making weird, abnormal, paranormal and otherwise ridiculous noises, he takes delight in hearing new sounds. He also detests certain words, and the utterance of these words makes him shiver. Words like: luscious, succulent, moist (I know, sounds like food descriptions - don't be surprised, this is Remick I am talking about.) Don't ask me why, he just hates these words. I have only ever met 1 other person who had the same reaction to certain words, so it is still a little premature to assume this is an actual "condition". But hey, at the ease of claiming conditions in this "pass the responsibility to the left" culture, maybe I will invent a new one.
So, with a view to Remick's, cough, cough, condition; dinner last night was once again eventful. All 5 of us were actually together for the first time in about 2 weeks! Jordan, who works in the lingerie department at Nordies, happened to mention the word "panties", to which Remick went off the proverbial deep end.
"Aargh! I hate that word"
"Panties?" (uttered with a tiny little devilish smirk by Jordan)
"Stopppppp! - I said I hate that word"
"PANTIES!" (this time a little louder, and with a huge grin)
"Did you not hear me? I hate that word! Why don't people just say underwear?"
"I like PANTIES" (Easton chimes in with a little more emphasis on the word panties)
"Would you like a matching bra to go with those PANTIES?" (momentum is really building at breakneck speed)
"Do you like to wear your PANTIES loose or tight?"
"Oh, now that is just concerning. Why would anyone want them loose?"
(At this point, the girls have collapsed into full blown paroxysms of hysterics, with no thought of letting up)
"PANTIES, PANTIES, PANTIES, we have all different sizes, shapes, some called Hanky Panky, Spanx....cotton, spandex....what's your pleasure?"
"I hate you guys."
"That's ok cuz we like PANTIES!"
Kind of like the story of Samson and Delilah - and although they didn't need to cut his hair to emasculate him, a simple word was all it took! I think the girls discovered the power of words; something I have been trying to teach them for some time now.
Dinner at the Kawawakis.......never dull, always entertaining......quite often, extremely odd.
The older my children become, the more I realize that although I will never stop being a mom, my children will, well, stop being children. We are almost at that crossroads and they love to remind me of the fact. I, on the other hand, detest admitting that in ever increasing frequency, they don't need me as much as they used to. (Heavy sigh) They all think it is extremely funny that I still, from instinct more than anything, continue to exhibit all of those motherly behaviors that become ingrained in my being without thought or really even necessity at times. Things like:
Pushing all of the water glasses to the center of the table for fear of one being tipped over and disrupting our meal
Telling them to take a jacket because it is cold outside.
Being afraid of them running downhill on cement.
And of course the most popular - "Watch Out For The Stumps!" The utterance of said phrase is stamped on their memory in such a way that it wouldn't truly be Christmas if I didn't say it. The "stumps" of course are the tree stumps at the tree lot that all of them would trip over as they raced through the lot when they were mere tykes, helter skelter, intent upon being the one to find the perfect tree. (Everything is a contest in my family) This year, Jordan, having missed the tradition of tree finding 2 years in a row, was sent into paralytic laughter when I said it not even 30 seconds into the event.
"Oh my gosh, I am 20 years old and my mom is still concerned about the stumps!"
Somewhat disconcerted at being the brunt (or maybe I should say stump) of her amusement, I realized that the nostalgia of it all was worth the embarrassment for the moment. I realized that Christmas traditions don't need to be glittering, chorus filled moments of grandeur - instead, the traditions can be found in less celebrated moments like these:
The joy in finding the perfect tree, or the arguing whilst searching for it, in laughing at one another because of a familial inside joke, the warmth of all being together for Christmas, the smells and tastes of foods that we indulge in once a year, the hilarity of "Christmas morning hair", the nap we all need because we woke too early. And so, while there were many highlights of Christmas 2010, being made aware of the stumps, was probably Jordan's favorite.
So, with a view to Remick's, cough, cough, condition; dinner last night was once again eventful. All 5 of us were actually together for the first time in about 2 weeks! Jordan, who works in the lingerie department at Nordies, happened to mention the word "panties", to which Remick went off the proverbial deep end.
"Aargh! I hate that word"
"Panties?" (uttered with a tiny little devilish smirk by Jordan)
"Stopppppp! - I said I hate that word"
"PANTIES!" (this time a little louder, and with a huge grin)
"Did you not hear me? I hate that word! Why don't people just say underwear?"
"I like PANTIES" (Easton chimes in with a little more emphasis on the word panties)
"Would you like a matching bra to go with those PANTIES?" (momentum is really building at breakneck speed)
"Do you like to wear your PANTIES loose or tight?"
"Oh, now that is just concerning. Why would anyone want them loose?"
(At this point, the girls have collapsed into full blown paroxysms of hysterics, with no thought of letting up)
"PANTIES, PANTIES, PANTIES, we have all different sizes, shapes, some called Hanky Panky, Spanx....cotton, spandex....what's your pleasure?"
"I hate you guys."
"That's ok cuz we like PANTIES!"
Kind of like the story of Samson and Delilah - and although they didn't need to cut his hair to emasculate him, a simple word was all it took! I think the girls discovered the power of words; something I have been trying to teach them for some time now.
Dinner at the Kawawakis.......never dull, always entertaining......quite often, extremely odd.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2010
Watch Out For The Stumps!
The older my children become, the more I realize that although I will never stop being a mom, my children will, well, stop being children. We are almost at that crossroads and they love to remind me of the fact. I, on the other hand, detest admitting that in ever increasing frequency, they don't need me as much as they used to. (Heavy sigh) They all think it is extremely funny that I still, from instinct more than anything, continue to exhibit all of those motherly behaviors that become ingrained in my being without thought or really even necessity at times. Things like:
Pushing all of the water glasses to the center of the table for fear of one being tipped over and disrupting our meal
Telling them to take a jacket because it is cold outside.
Being afraid of them running downhill on cement.
And of course the most popular - "Watch Out For The Stumps!" The utterance of said phrase is stamped on their memory in such a way that it wouldn't truly be Christmas if I didn't say it. The "stumps" of course are the tree stumps at the tree lot that all of them would trip over as they raced through the lot when they were mere tykes, helter skelter, intent upon being the one to find the perfect tree. (Everything is a contest in my family) This year, Jordan, having missed the tradition of tree finding 2 years in a row, was sent into paralytic laughter when I said it not even 30 seconds into the event.
"Oh my gosh, I am 20 years old and my mom is still concerned about the stumps!"
Somewhat disconcerted at being the brunt (or maybe I should say stump) of her amusement, I realized that the nostalgia of it all was worth the embarrassment for the moment. I realized that Christmas traditions don't need to be glittering, chorus filled moments of grandeur - instead, the traditions can be found in less celebrated moments like these:
The joy in finding the perfect tree, or the arguing whilst searching for it, in laughing at one another because of a familial inside joke, the warmth of all being together for Christmas, the smells and tastes of foods that we indulge in once a year, the hilarity of "Christmas morning hair", the nap we all need because we woke too early. And so, while there were many highlights of Christmas 2010, being made aware of the stumps, was probably Jordan's favorite.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2010
Humbling
I went shopping with my two girls yesterday, something we haven't done in a very long time. I had a couple of humbling things happen:
1. I actually made it through the entire experience without once needing to pee! Usually it's the first thing I do when I get into the mall. Drives Jordan crazy.
2. I was thinking I looked pretty darn good in the Gap jeans that were 40% off - well that is until Jordan opened her dressing room door and had the same ones on! Same only in that they were the same style - much to my chagrin, that's where the similarity ended! Why does everything look cuter in size 0?
3. After making my purchases, I sat down to wait for the girls. Obviously with some time to kill. Something didn't seem right. Everything was 40% off, but I still felt like I was the recipient of a REALLY good deal. As I perused my receipt, I discovered that the cashier had forgotten to charge me for a pair of pants. Hmm,this is where the conversation (the one I had with myself, in my head) got interesting:
Wow, I just got a free pair of pants!
They're not free.
Who asked you?
Same person who will tell you that you are a thief if you don't tell the cashier.
Technically, it isn't stealing if the cashier forgot to charge me.
You're still being dishonest.
How am I being dishonest, I didn't do anything!
You are aware of the mistake and if you choose to remain silent, you're a thief.
Am not
Yes, actually you are
I don't care
Yes, you do. It will ruin your night if you don't say something.
No it won't
Try it and see
I'm a good person, I would never steal.
Good, go back to that somewhat inept cashier and tell him that he made a mistake and validate your previous comment.
But I never get free things.
Not today anyway.
Fine, I'll do it your way.
Not my way, per say, just the right way.
Moral of the story, the pants do feel better when I wear them, just not at the same time that Jordan wears hers.
1. I actually made it through the entire experience without once needing to pee! Usually it's the first thing I do when I get into the mall. Drives Jordan crazy.
2. I was thinking I looked pretty darn good in the Gap jeans that were 40% off - well that is until Jordan opened her dressing room door and had the same ones on! Same only in that they were the same style - much to my chagrin, that's where the similarity ended! Why does everything look cuter in size 0?
3. After making my purchases, I sat down to wait for the girls. Obviously with some time to kill. Something didn't seem right. Everything was 40% off, but I still felt like I was the recipient of a REALLY good deal. As I perused my receipt, I discovered that the cashier had forgotten to charge me for a pair of pants. Hmm,this is where the conversation (the one I had with myself, in my head) got interesting:
Wow, I just got a free pair of pants!
They're not free.
Who asked you?
Same person who will tell you that you are a thief if you don't tell the cashier.
Technically, it isn't stealing if the cashier forgot to charge me.
You're still being dishonest.
How am I being dishonest, I didn't do anything!
You are aware of the mistake and if you choose to remain silent, you're a thief.
Am not
Yes, actually you are
I don't care
Yes, you do. It will ruin your night if you don't say something.
No it won't
Try it and see
I'm a good person, I would never steal.
Good, go back to that somewhat inept cashier and tell him that he made a mistake and validate your previous comment.
But I never get free things.
Not today anyway.
Fine, I'll do it your way.
Not my way, per say, just the right way.
Moral of the story, the pants do feel better when I wear them, just not at the same time that Jordan wears hers.
No comments:
Post a Comment